1. When I greet the morning sun, I:
A. Take a deep breath, stretch out my arms and embrace life.
B. Realize that we are consuming fossil fuels at an obscene rate and
need to use more passive energy sources such as the sun's rays.
C. Ask the bartender for the return of my car keys, so I can go home.
If you answered A, you really need to be more socially aware:
people are being oppressed even as you indulge yourself. B is the
correct answer. Never allow yourself to enjoy the moment without
being fully cognizant of the sorrow that lurks around the corner. If
you chose C, which is so obviously not PC, you're in for a long, slow
decade, and should carefully study the remaining questions.
2. I watch Club MTV because:
A. I want to monitor what kind of TV my children are viewing, because
I know TV is bad for them.
B. It provides a window onto contemporary pop culture.
C. I'm curious to see how intimate a girl's butt can get with a
If you answered A, you are describing an attitude liberals had
regarding children and TV in the Seventies and Eighties, before they
had children. If you answered C, you're probably telling the truth,
but the truth is no longer Politically Correct - even if you're a
normal heterosexual person. Expressing an interest in heterosexual
activity violates the rights of those people who, for whatever reason,
aren't curious to see how far a camera can get with a girl's butt. PC
people are always interested in contemporary pop culture, as long as
it's viewed through a window, so the answer is B.
3. If I saw Cindy Crawford in a bar, and wanted to pick her up, I
A. "I think we could both reach our sexual potential, but only if you
think it's still possible for two people to celebrate their gender
diversity without oppression or subsuming their individuality."
B. "I know to women like you, guys like me are a dime a dozen, but
then, what do you have to lose - eighty three cents?"
C. "I can lick my eyebrows."
The correct answer is A. Neither humour nor self-deprecation,
which encourages negative self-images are PC, so B is out. Answer A
uses several PC buzzwords, such as "diversity", and "celebrate", and
is earnest. Being earnest is very PC, without necessarily being
honest - which isn't. It is also obfuscatory, a PC tactic resorted to
when on thin ice, and let's face it, if you're trying to pick up Cindy
Crawford anywhere, you're on thin ice. C is out, because it makes
Cindy Crawford into a sex object and is an obvious lie.
4. I object to the Miss America Paegent because:
A. It exploits women's bodies for commercial ends.
B. It doesn't go far enough to exploit women's bodies for commercial
C. It gives me Joan Van Ark nightmares.
Answers A and B represent a schism in the PC church, which
traces its origins to feminism, which rewrites its manifesto once a
month. On one hand, PC endorses a new Puritanism in which any
sexuality for financial gain becomes exploitation unless it's women
using men - it's very PC for the oppressed to oppress back - or women
using women, as long as such usage is self-exploitative without being
self-deprecating or self-gratifying. On the other hand, PC embraces
all alternative sexualities, and for many young women today, entering
beauty contests is an alternative to sexuality - therefore the correct
answer is C.
5. I consider Norman Schwartzkopf's Operation Desert Storm to have
A. A hideous and unnecessary mismatch in which American imperialism
once again subjugated a helpless Third World Country.
B. A glorious victory in which American boys, allied with coalition
forces and American knowhow, squashed an evil tyrand and liberated
C. Johnathan Winters' best movie.
C is wrong since, contrary to popular belief, Schwartzkopf and
Winters are two different people. Answer A alone is too PC, answer B
alone is not PC enough - therefore the answer is A and B. PC is both
antiwar and pro-veteran, in which case the Gulf War was ideal,
producing more veterans (well, American veterans, anyway) per war-hour
than any other war.
6. Appropriate behavior at an Iron John seminar led by Robert Bly in a
woodland clearing includes:
A. Singlng ancient tribal chants, spinning myths around a campfire,
and beating on a drum.
B. Cursing your father, weeping copiously around a campfire,
admitting you have tiny genitals, then beating your hairless chest.
C. Howling at the moon, passing a pitcher of Martinis around the
campfire, then beating the crap out of Robert Bly.
If you answered A, you're confusing the New PC with Indian
Guides, which it strongly resembles. C is appropriate only at Bly's
poetry recitals. The answer is B. Blaming others, especially past
generations, is central to the PC movement, whose motto is NO BUCK
7. If Julia Child were to cook a PC meal, the menu would feature:
A. Carrots, barley, oats, grass, and silage.
B. Brewer's yeast, calendula, tofu, uvaursi leaves, kasha and bulgur.
C. Cheeseburgers, chocolate malts, french fries, and pies.
The answer is B. A is wrong since it lists foods which were
tested on animals. C is wrong because cheeseburgers taste good and
are made from animals. Politically correct dining institutionalizes
eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia by equating food with
poison and consumption with guilt. The only correct foods are either
antidotes (brewer's yeast, calendula) to everything you've eaten in
your life to date or foods (tofu, kasha, bulgar) which in a world of
famine, even famished people won't eat.
8. When the check-out girl at the supermarket asks me if I want paper
or plastic, the correct answer is:
A. "Paper because it's recyclable and doesn't deplete the world's oil
B. "Plastic because it's recyclable and doesn't deplete the worlds
C. "I brought my own cloth bag."
If you answered A you're probably hoping that it rains and the
bag gets wet and the bottom tears out and your brewer's yeast, tofu,
kasha and bulgur spill and you won't have to eat them. If you
answered B you forgot that plastic is a petroleum product and thus you
are encouraging further American armed intervention in the Middle
East. A PC person carries a cloth market bag, which you can recycle
by cutting two holes in the bottom and using as a diaper.
Finally, any ideology worth its salt has a vocabulary and a
diction all its own. Remember, it doesn't matter how you feel, as
long as you use the right words. Match the following words or phrases
with their PC counterparts.
1. A person with an I.Q. less than 60 is called:
B. Intellectually challenged
C. Mr. Vice President
2. Human females are called:
3. A female business leader might be called:
A. Madam Chairwoman
B. Ms. Chairperson
C. The boss in the grey-flannel panty-hose
4. A person who needs his head examined is:
A. In therapy
B. Emotionally challenged
C. A Democratic presidential candidate
5. Michael Jordan is:
A. An African-American
B. A person of color
6. A person without a penny to his name is called:
A. A bum
C. Donald Trump
7. The woman who brings you food in a restaurant is a:
8. A man on his second Martini is:
A. A businessman
B. In denial
C. Patiently waiting for the year 2000
Ian M Colrain PhD, Lecturer in Behavioural Neuroscience,
Department of Psychology, The University of Auckland.